When Value Leads, People Follow— Rethinking Opportunity and “Who You Know”
I distilled the core ideas from Section 6, “Connections (人脉),” in Chapter 7 (“Application”) of Li Xiaolai’s Taking Time as a Friend.
Connections don’t form by chasing people; they naturally converge on those who consistently create exchangeable value.
You can’t say connections are useless, but they’re often overrated. Durable, productive networks form and persist only on the basis of capability and resources. The essence is not pursuing people, but becoming someone who possesses exchangeable value.
The trap of “face” and headcounts
Bookstores are flooded with titles touting “networking” and “relationships.” Yet claims like “one word from a person with face flips the outcome” or “more votes guarantee approval” are, in healthy organizations and markets, signs of corruption or inefficiency. Well-designed decisions hinge on the merits of the proposal and its expected impact.
The essence of friendship and exchange
Even in kindergarten you can observe this: people prefer fair exchange. A child with ample resources (lots of toys) sees the kid who says “let’s trade” as a “true friend.” Conversely, when resources are scarce, it’s hard to propose fair trades; you become a requester (taker) and relationships skew. The thinner your resources, the harder fair exchange becomes—and the more draining the relationship is.
Why the excellent choose “quiet humility”
The more capable someone is, the more they feel the communication cost (time, misunderstandings, emotional friction) with average counterparts. To avoid needless friction, they adopt quiet humility—both a courtesy to others and a self-protection strategy.
When trying to be “nice” breaks you
If a help request makes you uncomfortable, it may reflect not ill will but lack of bandwidth. Helping “as much as you realistically can” isn’t cold; it’s a healthy boundary.
Required mindsets:
- Acknowledge your limits.
- Have the courage to show your shortfalls.
- Let go of the urge to prove you’re a “good person.”
Quality networks cluster around those who avoid unfair exchange
Effective networks tend to form around people with high quality (competence, trustworthiness, self-sufficiency). They avoid burdening others and solve problems themselves, so they don’t steal anyone’s time. This produces a virtuous cycle of low communication cost and high mutual value.
The perils of first-name dropping and forced networking
Trying to “build a network” without a real foundation—flattery, leaning on connections, chummy name-dropping—erodes trust and reduces relationships to one-off events. Links without exchangeable value don’t last.
Real resources aren’t just money and status
Intangibles—knowledge, skills, literacy—can be built from zero. The key is time under focus, e.g., “at least six hours of concentrated work daily.” Outcomes are driven less by intensity than by duration (as short as five years, as long as twenty).
Good connections are not “found”—they come to you
Those surrounded by high performers are, paradoxically, seldom asked for help; everyone respects each other’s time and can solve their own problems. The moment you become an expert in a domain, high-quality connections knock on your door. At that point you’re no longer a taker—you’re a provider.
The half-truth of “opportunities come from people”
Yes, opportunity-givers exist, but they don’t give opportunities to just anyone. What matters more is the ability to seize opportunities. Competence builds trust; trust attracts connections; connections amplify opportunity.
In the end, there’s one task: keep honing yourself.
- Execute the small tasks in front of you—accurately.
- Accumulate learning and practice every day.
- Build the capability to stand as a provider, not a requester.
Do this for one, three, five years, and one day a call, a message, or a meeting will become the “real connection” that changes your life. That won’t be luck. It will be your own making.
Checklist (for action)
- This week I created one more exchangeable asset (doc, code, dataset, lecture notes, etc.).
- When asked for help, I helped within my capacity—and declined clearly when I couldn’t.
- I set a boundary against requests that hijack my time.
- I hit six focused hours each day (or my realistic equivalent).
- I spent more time asking “What can I provide?” than “Whom should I meet?”